On the green

South Maroubra Village Green

As I sat on my usual bench on the Green outside the small shopping Mall, I gave pause to think of recollection. I almost always take a coffee over there while waiting for the Pharmacy  to dispense my medication.

Walsh’s Pharmacy ( Blue sign)

Robert Matthew Goldstein  has been sharing with us in his experiences with EMDR , see Session 3 closing the door, and the tolerance, acceptance, and defeating the fear of past events, which were so terrible as to cause a disruption in Ego consciousness at one level and the emergence of an Ego consciousness that coped with the horror when the Robert at that age couldn’t. To hold that image, once grasped until it is tolerated as a  ‘calendar’ event in one’s lifespan.

In the time it is taking me to complete this wandering Robert has posted more of his reclaimed experience.

I hope I may be forgiven for voicing the wandering mind because the original train of thought had been concerning what Psychologists, in the late 90s referred to as Episodic or Calendar Memory. All manner of thought process are severely disrupted in me, mainly because of Epilepsy and very likely some due to psychological trauma.

My method in dealing with the psychological trauma surrounding my identity crisis and my inability to come to terms with who I am was to isolate the subject by deliberately forgetting it. Unfortunately the memories of much of day to day living went with it due to the seizures that accompanied the first 22 years of my first marriage.

You might be correct in saying that I was weak minded or required approval or sanction from the ‘ Agents of Social Control‘ which didn’t and won’t grant that – at least not for many years to come. But no! WE can’t say that because those Agents exist for the so called betterment of society – depending on the society ( exclude NAZI Germany and the like) and at some point in our lives when we come of Psychological age we overturn our consciousness – the one society has imposed upon us and gradually develop into integrated beings with our own minds.

At that point all those things I had wished forgotten just popped up from where they were snoozing and I began to deal with them and gradually became the real me.

However my Episodic or Calendar memories remain lost because Seizures have damaged the Hippocampus and the Hypothalamus which account for my Bipolar Affective Disorder  and Memory Loss. I still retain what I have learned and how to do those things I have learned such as knitting and crochet and reading music, climbing trees. I can’t say riding a bike because a combination of medication and an air pocket behind my right eardrum have ruined my balance – I even fall off the pavement and onto the grass beside it. Sometimes after having a seizure I cannot remember what a telephone is called but know what it is for or know what it is but not what it does and I cannot remember names to save my life.

Yet how little ails me when compared to what others suffer at other’s hands…….. and that ended the musings on the Green.